Post by Salem6 on Jan 14, 2004 17:36:51 GMT
The Fiver
14 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
Situation, and
Comedy.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
MANCHESTER CITY UNITED
You have to feel sorry for controversial French firebrand Nicolas
Anelka. The minute the poor lad opens his trap, out pops trouble.
Only last week, we asked if he fancied a spot of pigeon shooting with
Weird Uncle and yours truly, and he muttered something in French and
drove off. And only this week he was at it again. Responding to an
interviewer asking if he preferred butter or marge on his croissant,
Nic inexplicably blurted: "I want to be at a great club, with great
players, in England or elsewhere." It so easily happens, doesn't it?
Well, with this latest case at least, apparently not.
"The interview I gave in France badly was interpreted translated and,"
he harrumphed on www.nicolasanelka.sports.fr, the snazzy website his
parents bought him to sate another strop. "It is foolish to hold
against me remarks that I never made. It has never been a question of
us having bad players and I have not expressed any desire to leave."
For emphasis, he then repeated himself in a dog-bothering pitch - "I
have no desire to leave! I want to stay and help the club!!" -
stamped his foot and bolted to his bedroom, where he turned his music
up to 11 and wept weakly into a pillow.
Which is a shame, because had the affable lad ambled down to Eastlands
this afternoon, he would have been able to offer a warm welcome to
David James, Manchester City's latest follicly flamboyant flapper.
Having "passed a medical exam today", James has either joined City on
a generous two-and-a-half-year contract, or signed up for 193-hour
weeks and piteous pay. "I didn't expect things to go so quickly. It's
happened in the last 24 hours," he scoffed, leaving the Fiver none
the wiser. Then, as he started banging on about hard acts to follow,
we realised that he was indeed back in the big time, and that Nic was
far better off at home than listening to this predictable drivel.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Someone wrote to me the other day and asked why we didn't go and get
someone like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer or Nicky Butt from Manchester
United because they weren't playing. It's not as if we haven't asked.
I love asking Sir Alex questions like that. I say 'If I don't ask,
Sir Alex, I'll never get to know.' And he says two words, which start
with F and O" - Wolves boss Dave Jones makes light of Sir Fergie, the
social misfit.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A STRIKER IS A STRIKER OF COURSE, OF COURSE / AND NO-ONE CAN SCORE
GOALS LIKE A STRIKER OF COURSE / THAT IS OF COURSE UNLESS THE STRIKER
IS... THE FAMOUS MR EM!
As our boss-eyed, meat-paste-odoured, socially psychopathic cousin
Media Studies Fiver never tires of telling us, the irrefutable maxim
of situation comedy is: change the sit, lose the com. For example,
Alan Partridge lost his magic once he left the Linton Travel Tavern;
Hester and William never again scaled the giddy sub-Terry-and-June
heights of Fresh Fields upon decamping to France; and the jokes
presumably situated on the pages of the script for Two Pints of Lager
and a Packet of Crisps sadly went AWOL when they transferred the
effing thing to screen.
And it is this rule which must be the thinking behind AC Milan's bid
to remake Mr Em, The Footballing Horse for an Italian audience.
Presumably acting as a go-between for Silvio Berlusconi's cable
channel Televisione Bongo e Fascism, the European champions this
morning reportedly tried to get Mr Em in on loan, after deciding that
an episode set in the San Siro would be a much less amusing prospect
than the hysterical turf-on-teeth-sliding extravaganzas normally
filmed at Anfield.
However, Italian viewers excited at the prospect of crying
hysterically at the sight of Mr Em tucking into a large nosebag
filled with spag bol, or Liverpool fans excited at the prospect of
crying hysterically with relief, may have to calm down. "No, we are
not interested in Heskey," straight-batted Milan executive Ariedo
Braida. "We are not looking for a striker and it's unlikely that we
will make a move in the January transfer window." Bah! Effing
spoilsports! Next they'll be telling us they're not making any more
of The Office.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Not your day: Joe Cole, who woke this morning to find he had been
offered to Charlton in exchange for Scott Parker's signature on
Chelsea stationary.
Mario Jardel, who woke this morning to find he could soon be playing
in La Liga in the colours of Espanyol, rather than playing on his
PlayStation in his Bolton Wanderers pyjamas.
Chelsea suits are licking their fingers and leafing through GBP100
notes again, with a GBP25m move for David Trezeguet working its way
back to the top of the in-tray.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Chelsea are set to hijack Manchester United's move for Louis Saha,
according to the E' Stanah'. Alas, they have no quotes to back this
up, but are probably working on the fact United have not yet snared
their man. "There has been no fresh bid from Manchester United," said
an expensive Fulham suit, reacting to red-top rumour-mongering this
morning. "There is no truth in the story at all."
Rotherham manager Ronnie Moore has blasted his players for failing to
reach that golden FA Cup tie with Manchester United: "That is the
most gutless performance I have seen in my seven years at the club,
it was spineless, effortless, there was a lack of desire and a lack
of passion." We've looked high and low, and we can't find any minced
words there.
Any Dundee residents unsettled in recent months by a bedraggled
Italian wandering the streets begging for change can rest easy
tonight: Fabrizio Ravanelli has been offered a six-month contract by
hometown club Perugia.
Former Celtic goalkeeper John Bonnar has died at the age of 80 after
an ongoing illness. He played 180 times for the Hoops, keeping 49
clean sheets, and was still a regular visitor at Celtic Park some 40
years after his last appearance for the club.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
BBC1: Match Of The Day (11.20pm)
TV & Radio fun is at a premium tonight, so quite why we're bothering
with an introduction to this Dumb Colleagues business is beyond us.
Sky Sports 1: Futbol Mundial (6.30pm & 12am)
"I used to work with a man who'd make a point of looking at his watch
in an exaggerated manner and hollering 'Good Afternoon!' to anyone
entering the office even half-a-second after 9am," chuckles Anthony
Knight.
FA Cup - Leicester City v Manchester City (7pm, repeated 12.30am)
Only he wasn't really chuckling.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm & 2am)
"He wasn't the boss or anything, in fact he was lower in the food
chain than half of the people he used to keep time for."
Eurosport: Maspalomas Tournament. Eh? (7.30pm)
"I'll keep it short," writes Roger Balcombe, aware the end is nigh.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
"One of our secretaries is some way short of competent," he begins,
as the Fiver deletes her name just in case. "When saving a file, she
asked how she'd know where to find it again.
Talksport: Football First In Europe (7pm)
"She also didn't know how to forward emails, so until recently she'd
print them all out and fax them instead.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"And best of all, she once wrote: 'Please also pass this on to Mr
Andrews' in the cc line of an email." They're hapless alright, so
keep them coming to the.boss@guardian.co.uk - if for no other reason
than it'll waste a few more minutes of The Man's time and money.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEVER INSURE YOUR STUFF USING A COMPANY WITH A JAUNTY UMBRELLA FOR A
LOGO
The Fiver was written by Nick Harper and Scott Murray. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.
14 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
Situation, and
Comedy.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
MANCHESTER CITY UNITED
You have to feel sorry for controversial French firebrand Nicolas
Anelka. The minute the poor lad opens his trap, out pops trouble.
Only last week, we asked if he fancied a spot of pigeon shooting with
Weird Uncle and yours truly, and he muttered something in French and
drove off. And only this week he was at it again. Responding to an
interviewer asking if he preferred butter or marge on his croissant,
Nic inexplicably blurted: "I want to be at a great club, with great
players, in England or elsewhere." It so easily happens, doesn't it?
Well, with this latest case at least, apparently not.
"The interview I gave in France badly was interpreted translated and,"
he harrumphed on www.nicolasanelka.sports.fr, the snazzy website his
parents bought him to sate another strop. "It is foolish to hold
against me remarks that I never made. It has never been a question of
us having bad players and I have not expressed any desire to leave."
For emphasis, he then repeated himself in a dog-bothering pitch - "I
have no desire to leave! I want to stay and help the club!!" -
stamped his foot and bolted to his bedroom, where he turned his music
up to 11 and wept weakly into a pillow.
Which is a shame, because had the affable lad ambled down to Eastlands
this afternoon, he would have been able to offer a warm welcome to
David James, Manchester City's latest follicly flamboyant flapper.
Having "passed a medical exam today", James has either joined City on
a generous two-and-a-half-year contract, or signed up for 193-hour
weeks and piteous pay. "I didn't expect things to go so quickly. It's
happened in the last 24 hours," he scoffed, leaving the Fiver none
the wiser. Then, as he started banging on about hard acts to follow,
we realised that he was indeed back in the big time, and that Nic was
far better off at home than listening to this predictable drivel.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Someone wrote to me the other day and asked why we didn't go and get
someone like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer or Nicky Butt from Manchester
United because they weren't playing. It's not as if we haven't asked.
I love asking Sir Alex questions like that. I say 'If I don't ask,
Sir Alex, I'll never get to know.' And he says two words, which start
with F and O" - Wolves boss Dave Jones makes light of Sir Fergie, the
social misfit.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A STRIKER IS A STRIKER OF COURSE, OF COURSE / AND NO-ONE CAN SCORE
GOALS LIKE A STRIKER OF COURSE / THAT IS OF COURSE UNLESS THE STRIKER
IS... THE FAMOUS MR EM!
As our boss-eyed, meat-paste-odoured, socially psychopathic cousin
Media Studies Fiver never tires of telling us, the irrefutable maxim
of situation comedy is: change the sit, lose the com. For example,
Alan Partridge lost his magic once he left the Linton Travel Tavern;
Hester and William never again scaled the giddy sub-Terry-and-June
heights of Fresh Fields upon decamping to France; and the jokes
presumably situated on the pages of the script for Two Pints of Lager
and a Packet of Crisps sadly went AWOL when they transferred the
effing thing to screen.
And it is this rule which must be the thinking behind AC Milan's bid
to remake Mr Em, The Footballing Horse for an Italian audience.
Presumably acting as a go-between for Silvio Berlusconi's cable
channel Televisione Bongo e Fascism, the European champions this
morning reportedly tried to get Mr Em in on loan, after deciding that
an episode set in the San Siro would be a much less amusing prospect
than the hysterical turf-on-teeth-sliding extravaganzas normally
filmed at Anfield.
However, Italian viewers excited at the prospect of crying
hysterically at the sight of Mr Em tucking into a large nosebag
filled with spag bol, or Liverpool fans excited at the prospect of
crying hysterically with relief, may have to calm down. "No, we are
not interested in Heskey," straight-batted Milan executive Ariedo
Braida. "We are not looking for a striker and it's unlikely that we
will make a move in the January transfer window." Bah! Effing
spoilsports! Next they'll be telling us they're not making any more
of The Office.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Not your day: Joe Cole, who woke this morning to find he had been
offered to Charlton in exchange for Scott Parker's signature on
Chelsea stationary.
Mario Jardel, who woke this morning to find he could soon be playing
in La Liga in the colours of Espanyol, rather than playing on his
PlayStation in his Bolton Wanderers pyjamas.
Chelsea suits are licking their fingers and leafing through GBP100
notes again, with a GBP25m move for David Trezeguet working its way
back to the top of the in-tray.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Chelsea are set to hijack Manchester United's move for Louis Saha,
according to the E' Stanah'. Alas, they have no quotes to back this
up, but are probably working on the fact United have not yet snared
their man. "There has been no fresh bid from Manchester United," said
an expensive Fulham suit, reacting to red-top rumour-mongering this
morning. "There is no truth in the story at all."
Rotherham manager Ronnie Moore has blasted his players for failing to
reach that golden FA Cup tie with Manchester United: "That is the
most gutless performance I have seen in my seven years at the club,
it was spineless, effortless, there was a lack of desire and a lack
of passion." We've looked high and low, and we can't find any minced
words there.
Any Dundee residents unsettled in recent months by a bedraggled
Italian wandering the streets begging for change can rest easy
tonight: Fabrizio Ravanelli has been offered a six-month contract by
hometown club Perugia.
Former Celtic goalkeeper John Bonnar has died at the age of 80 after
an ongoing illness. He played 180 times for the Hoops, keeping 49
clean sheets, and was still a regular visitor at Celtic Park some 40
years after his last appearance for the club.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
BBC1: Match Of The Day (11.20pm)
TV & Radio fun is at a premium tonight, so quite why we're bothering
with an introduction to this Dumb Colleagues business is beyond us.
Sky Sports 1: Futbol Mundial (6.30pm & 12am)
"I used to work with a man who'd make a point of looking at his watch
in an exaggerated manner and hollering 'Good Afternoon!' to anyone
entering the office even half-a-second after 9am," chuckles Anthony
Knight.
FA Cup - Leicester City v Manchester City (7pm, repeated 12.30am)
Only he wasn't really chuckling.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm & 2am)
"He wasn't the boss or anything, in fact he was lower in the food
chain than half of the people he used to keep time for."
Eurosport: Maspalomas Tournament. Eh? (7.30pm)
"I'll keep it short," writes Roger Balcombe, aware the end is nigh.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
"One of our secretaries is some way short of competent," he begins,
as the Fiver deletes her name just in case. "When saving a file, she
asked how she'd know where to find it again.
Talksport: Football First In Europe (7pm)
"She also didn't know how to forward emails, so until recently she'd
print them all out and fax them instead.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"And best of all, she once wrote: 'Please also pass this on to Mr
Andrews' in the cc line of an email." They're hapless alright, so
keep them coming to the.boss@guardian.co.uk - if for no other reason
than it'll waste a few more minutes of The Man's time and money.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEVER INSURE YOUR STUFF USING A COMPANY WITH A JAUNTY UMBRELLA FOR A
LOGO
The Fiver was written by Nick Harper and Scott Murray. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.