Post by Salem6 on Jan 13, 2004 17:13:08 GMT
The Fiver
13 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
Purple Tin, and
Nippy sweeties.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SIX APPEAL
Ever since Fifa pulled out the warm balls marked "England", "Northern
Ireland" and "Wales" in the draw for the World Cup 2006 qualifiers
last December, the Fiver's had just one thing on its mind: Tin!
Purple Tin!!! In a professional capacity, of course, we've feigned
interest in the on-going Group Six fixtures furore, wondering just
who would play where and in what order. As you'd expect, sleep has
been at a premium at Fiver Towers, but today, finally and not before
time, the fixture list was finally confirmed after several hours'
tinkering in a Cardiff Travel Tavern, and we can all rest easy again.
Carefully constructed so as to afford Wales a better chance of
progressing, the fixtures ensure Ryan Giggs sits out his two-match
ban against the group's hapless whupping boys: away to Azerbaijan in
the opening game on September 4, and at home to Northern Ireland four
days later. The group's other whupping boys England (you'll see) open
with away games in Austria and Poland, before hosting the Welsh on
October 9, probably at Old Traffo... hold on, this won't do. You
deserve better than a write-around of the full fixture list. So what
say we just throw in a few post-palaver quotes from the men involved
and be done with it?
"We would have loved to play Wales without Ryan Giggs. But there was
not a hope in hell of Wales agreeing to that!" - David Davies, The FA
"We've got the first five games the way we wanted... and a decent
first two games against Azerbaijan and Northern Ireland!" - Mark
Hughes, Wales
"What's the point, eh?" - Jim Boyce, Irish FA
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ALL THE BATTLE-OF-BRITAIN FIXTURES IN ONE EASY-TO-READ,
CUT-OUT-AND-KEEP, SPACE-FILLING LIST
September 8 2004: Northern Ireland v Wales
October 9 2004: England v Wales
March 26 2005: England v Northern Ireland
September 3 2005: Wales v England
September 7 2005: Northern Ireland v England
October 8 2005: Northern Ireland v Wales
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TROUBLE AHOY! OF THE DAY
"I am simply not in a team that allows me to shine"- Nicolas Anelka,
this morning, in French.
"He is enjoying his football and scoring goals and I believe he is
happy here" - Kevin Keegan, this afternoon, in denial.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
OH, FERNANDO!
You've got to feel sorry for Alex Ferg... actually, we're not even
going to bother finishing that. But whichever way you look at it,
he's had a bad day. "It is a very sad situation," wailed Fergie this
morning, in the sort of lost, maudlin tone only normally heard after
someone has enjoyed far too many nippy sweeties. "Nicky Butt has
asked to leave. He wants to play first-team football. So he has asked
to leave." Some would say Fergie's sentences were deliberately
delivered in an uncharacteristic staccato style to suggest a searing
pain not necessarily felt - rather like adding a couple of extra
ostentatious sniffs and snivels when phoning in "sick" - but not us.
And things went from "bad" to genuinely worse for Fergie later, as
Real Valladolid boss Fernando Vasquez turned down an offer to be the
latest FerGimp at Old Trafford. "Manchester United have renewed their
interest but I cannot suddenly abandon the project I have started at
Valladolid," announced Vasquez, using the sort of pompous, overblown
and self-regarding rhetoric that would make him a natural on the
touchline at the self-styled One United's self-styled Theatre of
Dreams. "I am a man of ethics and principles" - see? - "and I only
leave a club if the board gets rid of me." Well done, Fernando. Well
done for being such a gent, well done.
But no other news is good news, or at least no other bad news. Because
Fergie didn't have to worry about the stuff plastered all over the
papers this morning: not the Tim Howard tapping thing involving his
son Jason, nor the alleged putsch being planned in the Old Trafford
boardroom by John Magnier and JP McManus. Why? Because neither story
has moved on one jot, that's why. Which is just as well, because we
can't recall the details of either of them, and deadline is fast
approaching, so research would be out of the question. Hey, it might
have been an unlucky day for Fergie, but for once, we're not
complaining.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
The aforementioned Nicky Butt is suddenly the talk of excited
boardrooms at THFC, Everton, Boro and Birmingham, not to mention
Newcastle. Cue Fergie's fledglings drivel.
Liverpool, Manchester United and Chelsea have all been linked with
Luis Figo after his oh-so-subtle talk of new challenges. Liverpool
would be a challenge alright, we'll give him that.
Arsene Wenger has told Kanu he can leave Arsenal on a free transfer in
the summer as they will not renew his GBP42,000-a-week contrac... how
effing much?!?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
George Reynolds has resigned as chairman and director of Darlington,
severing all ties with the club. He's not taken that ridiculous
stadium away with him, mind, letting them go back to Feethams.
Charlton have pitched a large "Keep Out" sign in their front garden
after Chelsea made an "enquiry" about the availability of midfielder
Scott Parker.
Hearts have rejected a GBP12m offer for Tynecastle, despite needing to
sell up and move in at Murrayfield in order to settle GBP17m debts.
Graeme Souness is currently banging his head against a brick wall as
Dino Baggio has refused to go on loan to Ancona in favour of trying
his luck at Blackburn.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV1: World Football (3.15am)
"Hello," gurns a Fiver regular. "I'm a one-toothed employee who's
trying their best to get through life but I have to work with a
highly-strung madam called Emma.
Football League Extra (3.40am)
"Nasty piece of work, she is. I think she's frustrated with life. Can
I nominate her?"
Five: Argentinian Football (3.25am)
This Moronic Colleagues business is a can of worms, all right.
Dutch Football (4.55am)
"My colleague was working hard as usual until the Wednesday of one
week," recalls Graham Herriott.
Sky Sports 1: Netbusters (6.30pm & 11pm)
"At which point the manager pointed out that he was actually on
holiday from the Monday and asked why was he at work."
Gillette Soccer Special (7.30pm)
And pity poor Martin Parry. "I don't know about dumb, but for
downright infuriating it would be difficult to beat a former
co-worker of mine when I used to man the phones for British Gas's
Customer Bitching Rant-line," he remembers, with a shudder.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm & 1.30am)
"At least twice a day, and sometimes as maddeningly early as 9am, he
would say, 'Is it 5 o'clock yet?'.
Football Asia (12am)
"And his other favourite was: 'These customers drive you potty.'
Eurosport: Sparta Prague v SV Hamburg - Live (7.30pm)
"I often fantasised about garrotting him."
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
Alas, all our other nominations run on too long to shoe-horn in at
the end here.
Talksport: Football First In Europe (7pm)
So we're left twiddling our thumb and biding our time until...
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
... we finally ask you to send your Dumb Colleague tales to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, and do so double-quick.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
MY COLOUR WALLCHART IS BETTER THAN YOUR BLACK & WHITE ONE
The Fiver was written by Nick Harper and Scott Murray. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.
13 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
Purple Tin, and
Nippy sweeties.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SIX APPEAL
Ever since Fifa pulled out the warm balls marked "England", "Northern
Ireland" and "Wales" in the draw for the World Cup 2006 qualifiers
last December, the Fiver's had just one thing on its mind: Tin!
Purple Tin!!! In a professional capacity, of course, we've feigned
interest in the on-going Group Six fixtures furore, wondering just
who would play where and in what order. As you'd expect, sleep has
been at a premium at Fiver Towers, but today, finally and not before
time, the fixture list was finally confirmed after several hours'
tinkering in a Cardiff Travel Tavern, and we can all rest easy again.
Carefully constructed so as to afford Wales a better chance of
progressing, the fixtures ensure Ryan Giggs sits out his two-match
ban against the group's hapless whupping boys: away to Azerbaijan in
the opening game on September 4, and at home to Northern Ireland four
days later. The group's other whupping boys England (you'll see) open
with away games in Austria and Poland, before hosting the Welsh on
October 9, probably at Old Traffo... hold on, this won't do. You
deserve better than a write-around of the full fixture list. So what
say we just throw in a few post-palaver quotes from the men involved
and be done with it?
"We would have loved to play Wales without Ryan Giggs. But there was
not a hope in hell of Wales agreeing to that!" - David Davies, The FA
"We've got the first five games the way we wanted... and a decent
first two games against Azerbaijan and Northern Ireland!" - Mark
Hughes, Wales
"What's the point, eh?" - Jim Boyce, Irish FA
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ALL THE BATTLE-OF-BRITAIN FIXTURES IN ONE EASY-TO-READ,
CUT-OUT-AND-KEEP, SPACE-FILLING LIST
September 8 2004: Northern Ireland v Wales
October 9 2004: England v Wales
March 26 2005: England v Northern Ireland
September 3 2005: Wales v England
September 7 2005: Northern Ireland v England
October 8 2005: Northern Ireland v Wales
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TROUBLE AHOY! OF THE DAY
"I am simply not in a team that allows me to shine"- Nicolas Anelka,
this morning, in French.
"He is enjoying his football and scoring goals and I believe he is
happy here" - Kevin Keegan, this afternoon, in denial.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
OH, FERNANDO!
You've got to feel sorry for Alex Ferg... actually, we're not even
going to bother finishing that. But whichever way you look at it,
he's had a bad day. "It is a very sad situation," wailed Fergie this
morning, in the sort of lost, maudlin tone only normally heard after
someone has enjoyed far too many nippy sweeties. "Nicky Butt has
asked to leave. He wants to play first-team football. So he has asked
to leave." Some would say Fergie's sentences were deliberately
delivered in an uncharacteristic staccato style to suggest a searing
pain not necessarily felt - rather like adding a couple of extra
ostentatious sniffs and snivels when phoning in "sick" - but not us.
And things went from "bad" to genuinely worse for Fergie later, as
Real Valladolid boss Fernando Vasquez turned down an offer to be the
latest FerGimp at Old Trafford. "Manchester United have renewed their
interest but I cannot suddenly abandon the project I have started at
Valladolid," announced Vasquez, using the sort of pompous, overblown
and self-regarding rhetoric that would make him a natural on the
touchline at the self-styled One United's self-styled Theatre of
Dreams. "I am a man of ethics and principles" - see? - "and I only
leave a club if the board gets rid of me." Well done, Fernando. Well
done for being such a gent, well done.
But no other news is good news, or at least no other bad news. Because
Fergie didn't have to worry about the stuff plastered all over the
papers this morning: not the Tim Howard tapping thing involving his
son Jason, nor the alleged putsch being planned in the Old Trafford
boardroom by John Magnier and JP McManus. Why? Because neither story
has moved on one jot, that's why. Which is just as well, because we
can't recall the details of either of them, and deadline is fast
approaching, so research would be out of the question. Hey, it might
have been an unlucky day for Fergie, but for once, we're not
complaining.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
The aforementioned Nicky Butt is suddenly the talk of excited
boardrooms at THFC, Everton, Boro and Birmingham, not to mention
Newcastle. Cue Fergie's fledglings drivel.
Liverpool, Manchester United and Chelsea have all been linked with
Luis Figo after his oh-so-subtle talk of new challenges. Liverpool
would be a challenge alright, we'll give him that.
Arsene Wenger has told Kanu he can leave Arsenal on a free transfer in
the summer as they will not renew his GBP42,000-a-week contrac... how
effing much?!?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
George Reynolds has resigned as chairman and director of Darlington,
severing all ties with the club. He's not taken that ridiculous
stadium away with him, mind, letting them go back to Feethams.
Charlton have pitched a large "Keep Out" sign in their front garden
after Chelsea made an "enquiry" about the availability of midfielder
Scott Parker.
Hearts have rejected a GBP12m offer for Tynecastle, despite needing to
sell up and move in at Murrayfield in order to settle GBP17m debts.
Graeme Souness is currently banging his head against a brick wall as
Dino Baggio has refused to go on loan to Ancona in favour of trying
his luck at Blackburn.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV1: World Football (3.15am)
"Hello," gurns a Fiver regular. "I'm a one-toothed employee who's
trying their best to get through life but I have to work with a
highly-strung madam called Emma.
Football League Extra (3.40am)
"Nasty piece of work, she is. I think she's frustrated with life. Can
I nominate her?"
Five: Argentinian Football (3.25am)
This Moronic Colleagues business is a can of worms, all right.
Dutch Football (4.55am)
"My colleague was working hard as usual until the Wednesday of one
week," recalls Graham Herriott.
Sky Sports 1: Netbusters (6.30pm & 11pm)
"At which point the manager pointed out that he was actually on
holiday from the Monday and asked why was he at work."
Gillette Soccer Special (7.30pm)
And pity poor Martin Parry. "I don't know about dumb, but for
downright infuriating it would be difficult to beat a former
co-worker of mine when I used to man the phones for British Gas's
Customer Bitching Rant-line," he remembers, with a shudder.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm & 1.30am)
"At least twice a day, and sometimes as maddeningly early as 9am, he
would say, 'Is it 5 o'clock yet?'.
Football Asia (12am)
"And his other favourite was: 'These customers drive you potty.'
Eurosport: Sparta Prague v SV Hamburg - Live (7.30pm)
"I often fantasised about garrotting him."
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
Alas, all our other nominations run on too long to shoe-horn in at
the end here.
Talksport: Football First In Europe (7pm)
So we're left twiddling our thumb and biding our time until...
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
... we finally ask you to send your Dumb Colleague tales to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, and do so double-quick.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
MY COLOUR WALLCHART IS BETTER THAN YOUR BLACK & WHITE ONE
The Fiver was written by Nick Harper and Scott Murray. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.