Post by Salem6 on Jan 12, 2004 17:18:27 GMT
The Fiver
12 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
The managers' union, and
The players' union.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
YES, IT'S THE LONG-AWAITED RETURN OF THE 'DO-IT-YOURSELF FIVER STORY'
SERIES!!!
Here are the constituent parts of a story about Sam Allardyce. Can you
cobble it together in less time than it took the big man to conclude
that perhaps it was time to try something other than the Michael Le
Vell look?
Uefa Pro Licence;
Uefa Pro Licence Diploma;
cloth badges sewn proudly on the front of Sam's body-warmer by his
mum; but what about that effing Trevor Brooking, eh?;
perfectly rectangular mouth;
the FA;
whatever the hell a director of football development is;
whatever the hell a director of football development does;
"isn't qualified to do the technical role";
and Cherie Blair in the same room at the same time, now that we come
to think about it;
"I have spent a lot of time and money over the past five years
getting qualified, only for the FA to appoint someone completely
unqualified for one of their top jobs";
ears;
steam;
LMA also "flabbergasted";
manager's union;
beer;
sandwiches;
beer and sandwiches;
"Trevor in a PR role - fantastic - but not in this department and not
at grass roots";
chairman of Sport England for four years, in fairness, the quango
which is supposed to boost involvement at grass-roots level;
"should be someone of the equal or even better quality than Howard
Wilkinson";
even better, eh?;
for the love of sweet baby Moses
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Whenever it has been raining we have said to Louis [Saha] that that
is what it is like in Manchester every day. I am not sure he
understands my Geordie all the time but he seems to laugh anyway" -
Fulham's Lee Clark proves that Scousers don't have the monopoly on
wit.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE SHORT STRAW
On a dusty shelf in Fiver Towers sits a set of straws. In jazzier
sections of the media they might conceivably be used to hoover up
small mountains of Bolivian salt, but the Fiver straws are only ever
used to determine which hapless hack is saddled with the day's
dullest story. Usually it's hard to tell who pulled the shortest
straw on any given day, although a tell-tale sign is when the writer
reaches the end of the first paragraph and you're still none the
wiser as to the subject they're inevitably going to have to get round
to writing about at some point albeit probably only when the
electrodes are brought into play and even then while sobbing gently.
So it's about Gordon Taylor and the Professional Footballers'
Association, a series of words so soporific that you've either
slipped off into a light coma or scuttled off elsewhere in search of
better value. If you stuck around, you're the sort who enjoys reading
that the PFA chief spent his day sat round a table with several FA
suits to discuss how "the players and the FA can resolve their
differences ahead of Euro 2004" and "after four months of
disciplinary and selection confusion".
"There should be a common interest [between the players and the FA] of
wanting the team to do well," was one point Taylor made, showering
the FA suits in shards of custard cream. "They've been doing that on
the pitch by qualifying for Euro 2004, but some of the things off the
pitch haven't always been conducive to the team doing well [bottle
throwing, drug business, going on strike, that kind of stuff]." Talk
inevitably turned to disciplinary matters, with Taylor claiming that
despite a "fair bit of damage", the "healing process" had begun. The
Fiver might also have added the bit about keeping team spirit high,
but we opted instead for sticking a blunt straw into each eyeball. It
hurts, but we don't regret it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Juan Pablo Angel could be forgiven for already dreaming of life at
Highbury and the top end of the Premiership, but those visions will
seem premature after Deadly Doug slapped a GBP20m asking price on
him.
Louis Saha is definitely not going to Manchester United, definitely,
ever. But just in case, Fulham will take one John Hartson for GBP4m
please.
Wanted: "four or five players" of average-to-middling ability for
relegation dogfight. Wages not brilliant, but team spirit high.
Goalscoring prowess an advantage, but not necessary. Lack of Big Cup
ambition a must. Wolverhampton area.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Gary McAllister has resigned as player-manager of Coventry City "so
the club can clearly focus on the future". The former Scotland
captain had been on compassionate leave since mid-December to spend
more time with wife Denise, who has a serious illness. Eric Black
will continue as caretaker manager at Highfield Road.
The Uefa team of the year, named from 1.5m web votes, includes Thierry
Henry, Ruud van Nistelrooy and David Beckham. The rest of the team is
equally unsurprising, even, dare we say it, downright predictable:
Gianluigi Buffon (Juventus), Paulo Ferreira (Porto), Alessandro Nesta
(AC Milan), Paolo Maldini (AC Milan), Roberto Carlos (Real Madrid),
Luis Figo (Real Madrid), Zinedine Zidane (Real Madrid) and Pavel
Nedved (Juventus). It's "coached" by Jose Mourinho of Porto.
Sheffield United have signed Alan Wright on a free transfer from
Middlesbrough, with the defender promising the next
two-and-a-half-years of his life to Bramall Lane.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV1: The Premiership On Monday (11.30pm)
"I work with a one-toothed (I kid you not) loon who has been
teleported straight into the office from the 1850s," writes Emma
Hague, as we unveil the week's Dumb Colleague thread.
Football League Extra (12.30pm)
"Recent questions include: 'How do I start a new line when I'm
typing?'
Five: Argentinian Football (3.40am)
"And: 'How do I get somebody's email number?'
Sky Sports 1: Revista De La Liga (6pm, 9pm & 1am)
"He also prefaces every moronic question with 'Ask a stupid question
but...' which leaves me itching to yell, 'Yes, it is EFFING STUPID'."
Monday Night Football (7pm & 11pm)
She's over-reacting. He actually sounds quite fun.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm & 2am)
"He also continually shoves 'as the saying goes' after things which
are in no way sayings whatsoever. Like: 'How was your Christmas? As
the saying goes.'"
Eurosport: Gol (8.15pm)
Hmm, is that a crime?
Eurogoals (8.45pm & 10pm)
"Yes, because he's also one of those who thinks that in order to be
understood on the phone, you have to yell so loudly that the thing is
redundant anyway since they can hear him in Edinburgh.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
"And he says things like 'Oh I'm MORE than GRATEFUL, you are SO kind,
BLESS YOU' when they do something overwhelming like take a message
for him.
Talksport: Football First In Europe (7pm)
"Right now he is bashing at the poor computer keyboard in much the
same way I'd like to bash at his head."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Beat him, readers, figuratively speaking. Email your Dumb Colleague
tales to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, and we'll name and shame them.
Apart from the naming bit, which we can't do for legal reasons.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY, ALTHOUGH FOR SOME, IT IS ALSO THE LAST
The Fiver was written by Scott Murray and Nick Harper. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.
12 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
The managers' union, and
The players' union.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
YES, IT'S THE LONG-AWAITED RETURN OF THE 'DO-IT-YOURSELF FIVER STORY'
SERIES!!!
Here are the constituent parts of a story about Sam Allardyce. Can you
cobble it together in less time than it took the big man to conclude
that perhaps it was time to try something other than the Michael Le
Vell look?
Uefa Pro Licence;
Uefa Pro Licence Diploma;
cloth badges sewn proudly on the front of Sam's body-warmer by his
mum; but what about that effing Trevor Brooking, eh?;
perfectly rectangular mouth;
the FA;
whatever the hell a director of football development is;
whatever the hell a director of football development does;
"isn't qualified to do the technical role";
and Cherie Blair in the same room at the same time, now that we come
to think about it;
"I have spent a lot of time and money over the past five years
getting qualified, only for the FA to appoint someone completely
unqualified for one of their top jobs";
ears;
steam;
LMA also "flabbergasted";
manager's union;
beer;
sandwiches;
beer and sandwiches;
"Trevor in a PR role - fantastic - but not in this department and not
at grass roots";
chairman of Sport England for four years, in fairness, the quango
which is supposed to boost involvement at grass-roots level;
"should be someone of the equal or even better quality than Howard
Wilkinson";
even better, eh?;
for the love of sweet baby Moses
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Whenever it has been raining we have said to Louis [Saha] that that
is what it is like in Manchester every day. I am not sure he
understands my Geordie all the time but he seems to laugh anyway" -
Fulham's Lee Clark proves that Scousers don't have the monopoly on
wit.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE SHORT STRAW
On a dusty shelf in Fiver Towers sits a set of straws. In jazzier
sections of the media they might conceivably be used to hoover up
small mountains of Bolivian salt, but the Fiver straws are only ever
used to determine which hapless hack is saddled with the day's
dullest story. Usually it's hard to tell who pulled the shortest
straw on any given day, although a tell-tale sign is when the writer
reaches the end of the first paragraph and you're still none the
wiser as to the subject they're inevitably going to have to get round
to writing about at some point albeit probably only when the
electrodes are brought into play and even then while sobbing gently.
So it's about Gordon Taylor and the Professional Footballers'
Association, a series of words so soporific that you've either
slipped off into a light coma or scuttled off elsewhere in search of
better value. If you stuck around, you're the sort who enjoys reading
that the PFA chief spent his day sat round a table with several FA
suits to discuss how "the players and the FA can resolve their
differences ahead of Euro 2004" and "after four months of
disciplinary and selection confusion".
"There should be a common interest [between the players and the FA] of
wanting the team to do well," was one point Taylor made, showering
the FA suits in shards of custard cream. "They've been doing that on
the pitch by qualifying for Euro 2004, but some of the things off the
pitch haven't always been conducive to the team doing well [bottle
throwing, drug business, going on strike, that kind of stuff]." Talk
inevitably turned to disciplinary matters, with Taylor claiming that
despite a "fair bit of damage", the "healing process" had begun. The
Fiver might also have added the bit about keeping team spirit high,
but we opted instead for sticking a blunt straw into each eyeball. It
hurts, but we don't regret it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Juan Pablo Angel could be forgiven for already dreaming of life at
Highbury and the top end of the Premiership, but those visions will
seem premature after Deadly Doug slapped a GBP20m asking price on
him.
Louis Saha is definitely not going to Manchester United, definitely,
ever. But just in case, Fulham will take one John Hartson for GBP4m
please.
Wanted: "four or five players" of average-to-middling ability for
relegation dogfight. Wages not brilliant, but team spirit high.
Goalscoring prowess an advantage, but not necessary. Lack of Big Cup
ambition a must. Wolverhampton area.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Gary McAllister has resigned as player-manager of Coventry City "so
the club can clearly focus on the future". The former Scotland
captain had been on compassionate leave since mid-December to spend
more time with wife Denise, who has a serious illness. Eric Black
will continue as caretaker manager at Highfield Road.
The Uefa team of the year, named from 1.5m web votes, includes Thierry
Henry, Ruud van Nistelrooy and David Beckham. The rest of the team is
equally unsurprising, even, dare we say it, downright predictable:
Gianluigi Buffon (Juventus), Paulo Ferreira (Porto), Alessandro Nesta
(AC Milan), Paolo Maldini (AC Milan), Roberto Carlos (Real Madrid),
Luis Figo (Real Madrid), Zinedine Zidane (Real Madrid) and Pavel
Nedved (Juventus). It's "coached" by Jose Mourinho of Porto.
Sheffield United have signed Alan Wright on a free transfer from
Middlesbrough, with the defender promising the next
two-and-a-half-years of his life to Bramall Lane.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV1: The Premiership On Monday (11.30pm)
"I work with a one-toothed (I kid you not) loon who has been
teleported straight into the office from the 1850s," writes Emma
Hague, as we unveil the week's Dumb Colleague thread.
Football League Extra (12.30pm)
"Recent questions include: 'How do I start a new line when I'm
typing?'
Five: Argentinian Football (3.40am)
"And: 'How do I get somebody's email number?'
Sky Sports 1: Revista De La Liga (6pm, 9pm & 1am)
"He also prefaces every moronic question with 'Ask a stupid question
but...' which leaves me itching to yell, 'Yes, it is EFFING STUPID'."
Monday Night Football (7pm & 11pm)
She's over-reacting. He actually sounds quite fun.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm & 2am)
"He also continually shoves 'as the saying goes' after things which
are in no way sayings whatsoever. Like: 'How was your Christmas? As
the saying goes.'"
Eurosport: Gol (8.15pm)
Hmm, is that a crime?
Eurogoals (8.45pm & 10pm)
"Yes, because he's also one of those who thinks that in order to be
understood on the phone, you have to yell so loudly that the thing is
redundant anyway since they can hear him in Edinburgh.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
"And he says things like 'Oh I'm MORE than GRATEFUL, you are SO kind,
BLESS YOU' when they do something overwhelming like take a message
for him.
Talksport: Football First In Europe (7pm)
"Right now he is bashing at the poor computer keyboard in much the
same way I'd like to bash at his head."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Beat him, readers, figuratively speaking. Email your Dumb Colleague
tales to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, and we'll name and shame them.
Apart from the naming bit, which we can't do for legal reasons.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY, ALTHOUGH FOR SOME, IT IS ALSO THE LAST
The Fiver was written by Scott Murray and Nick Harper. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.