Post by Salem6 on Jan 7, 2004 17:10:02 GMT
The Fiver
07 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
Man U, and
Q.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SAHA: BAH!
Even though the Fiver largely spent our French lessons chucking pencil
cases out of open windows and lobbing spittle-doused rubbers at
unsuspecting classmates, we can always tell when a Frenchman is
angry. That's because - as Tricolore wisely taught us - they always
affect a deep, raspy voice before, with the violence of a garden hose
set on full blast, showering their unsuspecting victims with a series
of back-of-the-throat "Zut Alors!" Duck, everybody! Duck!
So pity the poor L'Equipe journalist who had to listen to Louis Saha
whinge, for at least the 1,084th time, about Fulham's outrageous
decision to hold him to his contract! "I am completely gutted,
appalled," Saha harrumphed, his hands waving like windmills in
spring. "A transfer to Manchester was a good deal for everyone. They
[United] offered GBP8m, which was excellent for Fulham. I am not
Ronaldo!" A fact all London is grateful for, of course, otherwise the
city would be on 1940s-style food rations.
But Saha's self-pitying dirge wasn't finished there. "This was a good
opportunity for me to join one the greatest clubs in the world," he
continued, making a strong-if-early bid for Rant Of The Year 2004.
"It was the chance of my life!" But with Fulham just one place off a
Big Cup spot, there'll be other chances, right Louis? "It is obvious
that Manchester will not try to get me again in six months' time,
because they will have found another striker by then." There's
nothing like having a sense of your own worth, is there?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GED'S QUOTE OF THE DAY
"When Michael Owen and Steven Gerrard are back, things will be
different" - Not so much a quote, more the inane wittering of a
deluded man.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE FIVER'S SUPER TRANSFER WINDOW QUIZ
Q1. The excitement so far generated by the recent opening of the
January transfer window is analogous to:
(a) throwing open the engraved wooden shutters of your country pile
to reveal a shimmering vista of fields, woodlands and lakes, and
spotting several linen-clad friends loading a Fortnum & Mason hamper
onto a punt before frantically gesturing at you to come and join them
for yet another champagne-fuelled day of blissful debauchery and
reckless youthful abandon;
(b) yanking back the stained nylon curtains of your bedsit to reveal
the neighbourhood alcoholic stumbling noisily into your front gate
and copiously chundering over the hedge, inadvertently disturbing the
two aggressive mastiffs copulating within.
Q2. The biggest transfer story of the day involves:
(a) an amazing domino effect involving Michael Owen going to
Manchester United, Ruud van Nistelrooy leaving for Real Madrid,
Zinedine Zidane joining Arsenal, Thierry Henry returning to Juventus,
Pavel Nedved moving to Chelsea, and Winston Bogarde ending up at
Liverpool;
(b) Chelsea being rebuffed in their GBP6m attempt to sign
confusingly-monickered goalkeeping Czech Petr Cech from Rennes.
"Rennes have rejected Chelsea's offer but it's negotiable," says
agent Viktor Kolar.
Q3. Complete the following sentence. "Hold on a minute, Fiver! This
is...
(a) ...by far and away the most informative story you've ever
written.";
(b) ...a case study in journalistic charlatanism. You haven't
mentioned Sunderland's three-month loan deal for Wolves midfielder
Kevin Cooper or Georgi Kinkladze joining Leeds on a two-week trial."
ANSWERS
Q1. (a) 0pts; (b) 1pt.
Q2. (a) 0pts; (b) 1pt.
Q3. (a) 0pts; (b) 100pts.
HOW DID YOU DO?
0-102pts: Who cares?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
THFC are talking of selling either Robbie Keane or Fredi Kanoute, a
move which would see them staring at their severed and bleeding nose
as it sits in front of their freshly spited face.
Although they've apparently made a bid for PSV midfielder Mark van
Bommel.
Leeds have told Newcastle there'll be no Michael Bridges shirts going
on sale there for a few years yet, while Dwight Yorke could continue
his spiralling-if-good-natured descent with a move to Wolves.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Breaking news as Fiver went to press that slightly puts the kibosh on
our quiz: Celtic have agreed a GBP350,000 fee with Motherwell for
midfield genius Stephen Pearson.
Billy Dearden has announced his resignation as manager of Notts County
two years after taking the job. What better way for fans to recover
from last night's 5-2 drubbing courtesy of fellow strugglers
Peterborough?
A leading officer from the World Anti-Doping Agency, Denmark's sports
minister Brian Mikkelson, wants to take action to force the FA to
increase Rio Ferdinand's ban from eight months to two years. Sweet
Lord does it never end?
And Leeds striker Alan Smith has again reassured fans he will not be
quitting the Elland Road club. "I've said it enough times," stressed
Smith, who has decided to start his two-match bottle-throwing ban
with immediate effect, ruling himself out of tonight's trip to
Newcastle and Saturday's visit of THFC. "But I hope my performances
from now until the end of the season are what will count. It's easy
to come out and say you don't want to leave and then put in a dire
performance."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV1: The Premiership - highlights (11.30pm)
On reflection, New Year's Resolutions doesn't seem to have caught the
imagination.
Sky Sports 1: Futbol Mundial (6.30pm & 12am)
But it's Wednesday, so we're spinning it out until Friday, at which
point we'll stay late for a brainstorming session in the hope of
having something better for next week.
Gillette Soccer Special (7pm)
Or we'll skip to the local hostelry and down Purple Tin until we pass
out in a pool of vomit. Hopefully our own.
Spanish Cup Football (10pm & 2.30am)
"My one resolution is to never again venture out in Birmingham
without my mobile phone," says Robbie from Manchester. Eh?
Sky Sports 2: Chelsea v Liverpool - live (7pm, repeated SS1: 12.30am)
"So that I may ring the tabloids to inform them of ****** *****'s
rampant boozing and womanising at the numerous student nights in the
city," he snorts, to the chagrin of our legal bods.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
"He doesn't half like a sambuca, that ****** *****," he adds, much to
the Fiver's amusement. "And **** ***** is usually with him as well."
Talksport: Football First (7pm)
Elsewhere, on far firmer ground, Dan Ashley's resolution is over
because the first Fiver of the year reached him by 5pm but the second
one didn't.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Any resolutions I had may as well be broken, because you've clearly
broken yours," he snaps. "Shame etc."
Bah! The Fiver's A Useless Fop Alright (13am)
Not long left, so stop pretending you've something better to do and
email your resolutions to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
PLUMBING IS NOT THE ANSWER
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle and Scott Murray. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.
07 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
Man U, and
Q.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SAHA: BAH!
Even though the Fiver largely spent our French lessons chucking pencil
cases out of open windows and lobbing spittle-doused rubbers at
unsuspecting classmates, we can always tell when a Frenchman is
angry. That's because - as Tricolore wisely taught us - they always
affect a deep, raspy voice before, with the violence of a garden hose
set on full blast, showering their unsuspecting victims with a series
of back-of-the-throat "Zut Alors!" Duck, everybody! Duck!
So pity the poor L'Equipe journalist who had to listen to Louis Saha
whinge, for at least the 1,084th time, about Fulham's outrageous
decision to hold him to his contract! "I am completely gutted,
appalled," Saha harrumphed, his hands waving like windmills in
spring. "A transfer to Manchester was a good deal for everyone. They
[United] offered GBP8m, which was excellent for Fulham. I am not
Ronaldo!" A fact all London is grateful for, of course, otherwise the
city would be on 1940s-style food rations.
But Saha's self-pitying dirge wasn't finished there. "This was a good
opportunity for me to join one the greatest clubs in the world," he
continued, making a strong-if-early bid for Rant Of The Year 2004.
"It was the chance of my life!" But with Fulham just one place off a
Big Cup spot, there'll be other chances, right Louis? "It is obvious
that Manchester will not try to get me again in six months' time,
because they will have found another striker by then." There's
nothing like having a sense of your own worth, is there?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GED'S QUOTE OF THE DAY
"When Michael Owen and Steven Gerrard are back, things will be
different" - Not so much a quote, more the inane wittering of a
deluded man.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE FIVER'S SUPER TRANSFER WINDOW QUIZ
Q1. The excitement so far generated by the recent opening of the
January transfer window is analogous to:
(a) throwing open the engraved wooden shutters of your country pile
to reveal a shimmering vista of fields, woodlands and lakes, and
spotting several linen-clad friends loading a Fortnum & Mason hamper
onto a punt before frantically gesturing at you to come and join them
for yet another champagne-fuelled day of blissful debauchery and
reckless youthful abandon;
(b) yanking back the stained nylon curtains of your bedsit to reveal
the neighbourhood alcoholic stumbling noisily into your front gate
and copiously chundering over the hedge, inadvertently disturbing the
two aggressive mastiffs copulating within.
Q2. The biggest transfer story of the day involves:
(a) an amazing domino effect involving Michael Owen going to
Manchester United, Ruud van Nistelrooy leaving for Real Madrid,
Zinedine Zidane joining Arsenal, Thierry Henry returning to Juventus,
Pavel Nedved moving to Chelsea, and Winston Bogarde ending up at
Liverpool;
(b) Chelsea being rebuffed in their GBP6m attempt to sign
confusingly-monickered goalkeeping Czech Petr Cech from Rennes.
"Rennes have rejected Chelsea's offer but it's negotiable," says
agent Viktor Kolar.
Q3. Complete the following sentence. "Hold on a minute, Fiver! This
is...
(a) ...by far and away the most informative story you've ever
written.";
(b) ...a case study in journalistic charlatanism. You haven't
mentioned Sunderland's three-month loan deal for Wolves midfielder
Kevin Cooper or Georgi Kinkladze joining Leeds on a two-week trial."
ANSWERS
Q1. (a) 0pts; (b) 1pt.
Q2. (a) 0pts; (b) 1pt.
Q3. (a) 0pts; (b) 100pts.
HOW DID YOU DO?
0-102pts: Who cares?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
THFC are talking of selling either Robbie Keane or Fredi Kanoute, a
move which would see them staring at their severed and bleeding nose
as it sits in front of their freshly spited face.
Although they've apparently made a bid for PSV midfielder Mark van
Bommel.
Leeds have told Newcastle there'll be no Michael Bridges shirts going
on sale there for a few years yet, while Dwight Yorke could continue
his spiralling-if-good-natured descent with a move to Wolves.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Breaking news as Fiver went to press that slightly puts the kibosh on
our quiz: Celtic have agreed a GBP350,000 fee with Motherwell for
midfield genius Stephen Pearson.
Billy Dearden has announced his resignation as manager of Notts County
two years after taking the job. What better way for fans to recover
from last night's 5-2 drubbing courtesy of fellow strugglers
Peterborough?
A leading officer from the World Anti-Doping Agency, Denmark's sports
minister Brian Mikkelson, wants to take action to force the FA to
increase Rio Ferdinand's ban from eight months to two years. Sweet
Lord does it never end?
And Leeds striker Alan Smith has again reassured fans he will not be
quitting the Elland Road club. "I've said it enough times," stressed
Smith, who has decided to start his two-match bottle-throwing ban
with immediate effect, ruling himself out of tonight's trip to
Newcastle and Saturday's visit of THFC. "But I hope my performances
from now until the end of the season are what will count. It's easy
to come out and say you don't want to leave and then put in a dire
performance."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV1: The Premiership - highlights (11.30pm)
On reflection, New Year's Resolutions doesn't seem to have caught the
imagination.
Sky Sports 1: Futbol Mundial (6.30pm & 12am)
But it's Wednesday, so we're spinning it out until Friday, at which
point we'll stay late for a brainstorming session in the hope of
having something better for next week.
Gillette Soccer Special (7pm)
Or we'll skip to the local hostelry and down Purple Tin until we pass
out in a pool of vomit. Hopefully our own.
Spanish Cup Football (10pm & 2.30am)
"My one resolution is to never again venture out in Birmingham
without my mobile phone," says Robbie from Manchester. Eh?
Sky Sports 2: Chelsea v Liverpool - live (7pm, repeated SS1: 12.30am)
"So that I may ring the tabloids to inform them of ****** *****'s
rampant boozing and womanising at the numerous student nights in the
city," he snorts, to the chagrin of our legal bods.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
"He doesn't half like a sambuca, that ****** *****," he adds, much to
the Fiver's amusement. "And **** ***** is usually with him as well."
Talksport: Football First (7pm)
Elsewhere, on far firmer ground, Dan Ashley's resolution is over
because the first Fiver of the year reached him by 5pm but the second
one didn't.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Any resolutions I had may as well be broken, because you've clearly
broken yours," he snaps. "Shame etc."
Bah! The Fiver's A Useless Fop Alright (13am)
Not long left, so stop pretending you've something better to do and
email your resolutions to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
PLUMBING IS NOT THE ANSWER
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle and Scott Murray. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.