Post by Salem6 on Jan 6, 2004 17:26:48 GMT
The Fiver
06 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
Shooters, and
THFC.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
READ MY LIPS - NO MIXED METAPHORS
Since you ask, the Fiver's favourite English monarch has long been
William Rufus (1087-1100). "This king was always angry and red in the
face and was therefore unpopular," explained our jovial history
teacher, Dr 1066-And-All-That Fiver, when we were but a knock-kneed
email with a pea-shooter in the pocket of our tatty short trousers.
And it just goes to show that there's some merit in historical study,
as we notice a (pertinent and
in-no-way-contrived-for-the-sake-of-an-introduction) similarity
between the aforementioned supreme feudal magistrate and the ruddiest
mischief-maker in all of world football, old crimson-chops himself,
Sir Alex Ferguson.
Because if anyone can do unpopular, Fergie can. "I am fed up with Sir
Alex Ferguson trying to disrupt my club and constantly trying to
unsettle my players!" hooted Mohamed al-Fayed today, sending
flustered Harrods assistants diving for cover. "Ever since Fulham
beat Manchester United at Old Trafford so convincingly, he has been
showing signs of increasing desperation!" This sounded like another
establishment plot to the Fiver, who quickly started scrabbling for
the Duke of Edinburgh's number. What on earth is the problem, Mr
Fayed? "I have a clear message to Sir Alex and anyone else who is
interested" - apparently that includes the Fiver - "Read my lips!
Louis Saha is not for sale!" And suddenly the fug began to clear.
It seems that Fergie has been up to his old tricks, tapping away at
everything in sight. The livid howls of Sunderland chairman Bob
Murray, describing the Bellion-nabbing United as "shabby, despicable,
disrespectful, arrogant and unprofessional" had only just died away
when big PSV boss Harry van Raaij began cranking up the fughorn. "I
have good relations with Manchester United but bad relations with
Ferguson," the old boy huffed, only slightly distracted by the effort
of forcing the overflowing till-drawer shut. "It just seems that,
with Ferguson, a leopard never loses its spots." Red faces?
Leopard-print? It's all getting a bit colourful for the Fiver, who's
off down the One Stop to pick up a hundredweight of Ginsters pasties.
Unless of course King Rufus has cleared the shelves for bait with
which to lure Mark Viduka.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GED'S RUBBISH EXCUSE OF THE DAY
"It is good that they are backing me because that means they are
backing the team. We are going through a difficult time, mainly due
to injuries, but we are in this together and we must stick together"
- God knows we don't want to keep printing Ged Houllier's myopic
ramblings, but the man just won't let up. Here's the under-fire
manager giving a vote of confidence to his board, for goodness sake.
We give him two weeks.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
IN THE GUARDIAN TOMORROW... MORE PAIN FOR GED! WORTH 55p OF ANYONE'S
MONEY, WE SAY
Liverpool in crisis: Dominic Fifield on the power struggle in the
boardroom and Richard Williams on crunch time for Houllier.
Steve Waugh - a career in figures.
Robert Kitson on Sir Clive Woodward's in-tray as he starts a new year
seeking to drive his world champions on to new heights.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
MALI MUSE
Up until recently, David Pleat was famous for three things:
1. He... well... you know;
2. Dancing across the Maine Road pitch wearing bad shoes and the sort
of cheap suit usually sported by alcoholics in Archway; ;D ROR
3. Being in the Guinness Book of Records for Most Preposterous Quiff (Not az bad az Oddy's surely)
Which Looks As Though It Has Been Soaking In Leaf Gelatine Since
1957.
But all this was put firmly in the shade last weekend when Pleat
decided to take us on a voyage of discovery... a voyage on which we
discovered that Pleat appears to get off on being wantonly ignorant.
"I don't even know where Mali is," chortled the great explorer, after
asking Fifa to put a stop to Fredi Kanoute's plans to play in the
African (clue) Nations Cup. Then the poor man's Ted Bovis quipped
about a country in Africa called "Samosa". Ah, how we laughed. At
that ridiculous teddy-boy tuft and those ill-fitting threads.
Thankfully, Pleat now seems to have learned the error of his ways, and
today adopted a more sensible and conciliatory approach to Kanoute.
"We have to look at the long term," admitted Pleat in his best
man-of-the-world tones. "I am going to need Fredi later in the season
... you cannot go against a man's will ... Kanoute is a gentleman, a
Muslim and an honourable person ... I do respect his feelings ... I
do feel a bit aggrieved that we were not told about him using his
Mali qualification when we signed hi..." Hold on! That last bit isn't
very conciliatory! Ah well, we suppose some things never change. Much
like that risible rockabilly lick and the off-the-peg St Michael
whistle.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Bad news for those Premiership clubs chasing Christian Chivu: the
Romania international wants to stay at Roma. "Between Chelsea and
Manchester United, I choose Roma," Chivu told Gazzetta dello Sport,
somewhat confusingly.
Chelsea may ease their pain by spending GBP25m on bringing Michael
Owen to Stamford Bridge. Then again, they may not.
Finally, Charlton are keen on Paris Saint Germain defender Talal
El-Karkouri. Well, with Chris Perry around, you'd want to strengthen
at the back too.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Alan Smith has been given a two-game ban for hoying a bottle into the
crowd when Leeds lost to Manchester United in the Carling Cup. He
will miss his club's Premiership matches against Middlesbrough and
Aston Villa.
Blackburn have signed Peter Enckelman from Aston Villa for an
undisclosed fee. "We've struck a deal and he's now coughing for the
doc," growled Rovers boss Graeme Souness, though we have paraphrased
it slightly. Souness also later begged his board for more money to
strengthen his squad.
Roman Abramovich's people have denied the Russian billionaire is set
to buy his way into Formula 1 with Jordan (the team, not the popular
glamour model). "It is true that Roman enjoys F1, but that's it,"
sighed a spokesman in the Stanah.
Liverpool's FA Cup fourth-round tie against Newcastle will be
televised live by the BBC at 5.35pm on Saturday 24 January. Earlier
in the day, Sky will broadcast the 12.30pm match between the winners
of the Scarborough/Southend and Chelsea/Watford replays. Sunday's
live matches see BBC televise Tottenham's trip to the winners of the
Leicester v Manchester City replay (1pm) with Manchester United's
match at either Northampton or Rotherham live on Sky (4.05pm). The
third round Leicester v Manchester City tie will also be shown by Sky
at 7.45pm on January 14.
And the FA has confirmed Rio Ferdinand has until January 19 to appeal
against his eight-month ban for missing a drugs test. Hardly
earth-trembling news, but you've come to expect three nibs so that's
what you'll get.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV1: World Football (3.35am)
If it weren't for the fact that Deflation is the Fiver's middle name
- Fatha had clearly been at the Tin that day - we'd claim to be
somewhat underwhelmed by your New Year Resolutions.
Five: Dutch Football (4.45am)
The best/worst/in-fact-only resolution worth reprinting was sent in
by a man calling himself Sonic Trigger.
Sky Sports 1: Netbusters (6pm & 11.30pm)
He thinks it makes him sound slightly edgy. The Fiver begs to differ.
Aston Villa v Portsmouth Live (7pm)
Nonetheless, at the very top of his lengthy To Do 2004 list sits a
reminder to "feed the kids in my basement".
You're On Sky Sports! (10.30pm & 4am)
Which is mildly amusing on a dull Tuesday in January, unless it
happens to be true.
Football Asia (12.30am)
And let's face it, it probably is. Because he also vows: "Get a
girlfriend. A proper one this time."
Football Special (1am)
Alongside: "Cut down on drinking spirits, before noon, during the
week."
Eurosport: Live Italian Football - Roma v AC Milan (7pm)
And like all good psychopaths, he also makes reference to a brand of
self-abuse The Man would never allow us to print in a family-friendly
teatime take on football.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
Oh he's a nut-job all right, is Sonic Trigger.
Talksport: Football First In Europe (7pm)
Just look at his final resolution: "Finally get round to hitting the
unsubscribe button."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
No marble-carrying subscriber would ever suggest such a notion! Now
would they? What? Eh? And so on. Email your New Year's Resolutions to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, and make them better than the last "lot".
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CAINER IS THE WAY FORWARD
The Fiver was written by Dan Jones and Scott Murray. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.
06 January 2004
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver:
Shooters, and
THFC.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
READ MY LIPS - NO MIXED METAPHORS
Since you ask, the Fiver's favourite English monarch has long been
William Rufus (1087-1100). "This king was always angry and red in the
face and was therefore unpopular," explained our jovial history
teacher, Dr 1066-And-All-That Fiver, when we were but a knock-kneed
email with a pea-shooter in the pocket of our tatty short trousers.
And it just goes to show that there's some merit in historical study,
as we notice a (pertinent and
in-no-way-contrived-for-the-sake-of-an-introduction) similarity
between the aforementioned supreme feudal magistrate and the ruddiest
mischief-maker in all of world football, old crimson-chops himself,
Sir Alex Ferguson.
Because if anyone can do unpopular, Fergie can. "I am fed up with Sir
Alex Ferguson trying to disrupt my club and constantly trying to
unsettle my players!" hooted Mohamed al-Fayed today, sending
flustered Harrods assistants diving for cover. "Ever since Fulham
beat Manchester United at Old Trafford so convincingly, he has been
showing signs of increasing desperation!" This sounded like another
establishment plot to the Fiver, who quickly started scrabbling for
the Duke of Edinburgh's number. What on earth is the problem, Mr
Fayed? "I have a clear message to Sir Alex and anyone else who is
interested" - apparently that includes the Fiver - "Read my lips!
Louis Saha is not for sale!" And suddenly the fug began to clear.
It seems that Fergie has been up to his old tricks, tapping away at
everything in sight. The livid howls of Sunderland chairman Bob
Murray, describing the Bellion-nabbing United as "shabby, despicable,
disrespectful, arrogant and unprofessional" had only just died away
when big PSV boss Harry van Raaij began cranking up the fughorn. "I
have good relations with Manchester United but bad relations with
Ferguson," the old boy huffed, only slightly distracted by the effort
of forcing the overflowing till-drawer shut. "It just seems that,
with Ferguson, a leopard never loses its spots." Red faces?
Leopard-print? It's all getting a bit colourful for the Fiver, who's
off down the One Stop to pick up a hundredweight of Ginsters pasties.
Unless of course King Rufus has cleared the shelves for bait with
which to lure Mark Viduka.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GED'S RUBBISH EXCUSE OF THE DAY
"It is good that they are backing me because that means they are
backing the team. We are going through a difficult time, mainly due
to injuries, but we are in this together and we must stick together"
- God knows we don't want to keep printing Ged Houllier's myopic
ramblings, but the man just won't let up. Here's the under-fire
manager giving a vote of confidence to his board, for goodness sake.
We give him two weeks.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
IN THE GUARDIAN TOMORROW... MORE PAIN FOR GED! WORTH 55p OF ANYONE'S
MONEY, WE SAY
Liverpool in crisis: Dominic Fifield on the power struggle in the
boardroom and Richard Williams on crunch time for Houllier.
Steve Waugh - a career in figures.
Robert Kitson on Sir Clive Woodward's in-tray as he starts a new year
seeking to drive his world champions on to new heights.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
MALI MUSE
Up until recently, David Pleat was famous for three things:
1. He... well... you know;
2. Dancing across the Maine Road pitch wearing bad shoes and the sort
of cheap suit usually sported by alcoholics in Archway; ;D ROR
3. Being in the Guinness Book of Records for Most Preposterous Quiff (Not az bad az Oddy's surely)
Which Looks As Though It Has Been Soaking In Leaf Gelatine Since
1957.
But all this was put firmly in the shade last weekend when Pleat
decided to take us on a voyage of discovery... a voyage on which we
discovered that Pleat appears to get off on being wantonly ignorant.
"I don't even know where Mali is," chortled the great explorer, after
asking Fifa to put a stop to Fredi Kanoute's plans to play in the
African (clue) Nations Cup. Then the poor man's Ted Bovis quipped
about a country in Africa called "Samosa". Ah, how we laughed. At
that ridiculous teddy-boy tuft and those ill-fitting threads.
Thankfully, Pleat now seems to have learned the error of his ways, and
today adopted a more sensible and conciliatory approach to Kanoute.
"We have to look at the long term," admitted Pleat in his best
man-of-the-world tones. "I am going to need Fredi later in the season
... you cannot go against a man's will ... Kanoute is a gentleman, a
Muslim and an honourable person ... I do respect his feelings ... I
do feel a bit aggrieved that we were not told about him using his
Mali qualification when we signed hi..." Hold on! That last bit isn't
very conciliatory! Ah well, we suppose some things never change. Much
like that risible rockabilly lick and the off-the-peg St Michael
whistle.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Bad news for those Premiership clubs chasing Christian Chivu: the
Romania international wants to stay at Roma. "Between Chelsea and
Manchester United, I choose Roma," Chivu told Gazzetta dello Sport,
somewhat confusingly.
Chelsea may ease their pain by spending GBP25m on bringing Michael
Owen to Stamford Bridge. Then again, they may not.
Finally, Charlton are keen on Paris Saint Germain defender Talal
El-Karkouri. Well, with Chris Perry around, you'd want to strengthen
at the back too.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Alan Smith has been given a two-game ban for hoying a bottle into the
crowd when Leeds lost to Manchester United in the Carling Cup. He
will miss his club's Premiership matches against Middlesbrough and
Aston Villa.
Blackburn have signed Peter Enckelman from Aston Villa for an
undisclosed fee. "We've struck a deal and he's now coughing for the
doc," growled Rovers boss Graeme Souness, though we have paraphrased
it slightly. Souness also later begged his board for more money to
strengthen his squad.
Roman Abramovich's people have denied the Russian billionaire is set
to buy his way into Formula 1 with Jordan (the team, not the popular
glamour model). "It is true that Roman enjoys F1, but that's it,"
sighed a spokesman in the Stanah.
Liverpool's FA Cup fourth-round tie against Newcastle will be
televised live by the BBC at 5.35pm on Saturday 24 January. Earlier
in the day, Sky will broadcast the 12.30pm match between the winners
of the Scarborough/Southend and Chelsea/Watford replays. Sunday's
live matches see BBC televise Tottenham's trip to the winners of the
Leicester v Manchester City replay (1pm) with Manchester United's
match at either Northampton or Rotherham live on Sky (4.05pm). The
third round Leicester v Manchester City tie will also be shown by Sky
at 7.45pm on January 14.
And the FA has confirmed Rio Ferdinand has until January 19 to appeal
against his eight-month ban for missing a drugs test. Hardly
earth-trembling news, but you've come to expect three nibs so that's
what you'll get.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV1: World Football (3.35am)
If it weren't for the fact that Deflation is the Fiver's middle name
- Fatha had clearly been at the Tin that day - we'd claim to be
somewhat underwhelmed by your New Year Resolutions.
Five: Dutch Football (4.45am)
The best/worst/in-fact-only resolution worth reprinting was sent in
by a man calling himself Sonic Trigger.
Sky Sports 1: Netbusters (6pm & 11.30pm)
He thinks it makes him sound slightly edgy. The Fiver begs to differ.
Aston Villa v Portsmouth Live (7pm)
Nonetheless, at the very top of his lengthy To Do 2004 list sits a
reminder to "feed the kids in my basement".
You're On Sky Sports! (10.30pm & 4am)
Which is mildly amusing on a dull Tuesday in January, unless it
happens to be true.
Football Asia (12.30am)
And let's face it, it probably is. Because he also vows: "Get a
girlfriend. A proper one this time."
Football Special (1am)
Alongside: "Cut down on drinking spirits, before noon, during the
week."
Eurosport: Live Italian Football - Roma v AC Milan (7pm)
And like all good psychopaths, he also makes reference to a brand of
self-abuse The Man would never allow us to print in a family-friendly
teatime take on football.
Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 (7pm)
Oh he's a nut-job all right, is Sonic Trigger.
Talksport: Football First In Europe (7pm)
Just look at his final resolution: "Finally get round to hitting the
unsubscribe button."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
No marble-carrying subscriber would ever suggest such a notion! Now
would they? What? Eh? And so on. Email your New Year's Resolutions to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, and make them better than the last "lot".
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.footballunlimited.co.uk/Fiver/Redirect
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CAINER IS THE WAY FORWARD
The Fiver was written by Dan Jones and Scott Murray. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
M60 2RR.